I wonder if he ever loved me. It will be six years, come March of this year. He has a little boy, about 3.

I did not want any more children and thought, he was too handsome and too young, for me. I should have fought for him, but I could not trust him. Well, she would give him babies, so he thought. It turned out, she was not able to give him babies and that is why, they had to adopt.

She had endometriosis, which, I was diagnosed as having, when I was 36. Well, she took the Lupron injections, to try to get rid of the endometriosis, to see if it would help her get pregnant. They tried expensive fertility drugs and procedures, but did not produce a baby.

My lover, actually tried to talk me into being a surrogate mother, for her. We were going to use my eggs and his sperm, so biologically, it would have been his and mine. I almost agreed to it, but then, I backed out. It was painful enough, watching him marry her and listen to the details of their lives together, every time he came to fuck me.

It was hard, seeing them out together. It was hard, him spending time with me and going home to her. I always felt, he wanted me more, but who knows. I know, if I would not answer his calls, he would flip out. He actually would get jealous of my other men. I had to have them. He wasn't around all the time, but he was pretty consistant. I have no idea, if she ever knew. How could she not, know.

Oh, there is so much to tell, but not enough time to talk about it.

I loved him. I admired his Cary Grant looks and loved the way, he fucked me. I never gave myself to him, 100%. I always loved him and I always hated him.

I think of him, because, I miss him. I miss the way, we could so easily talk to each other, about anything. Yet. Didn't he do that, with every woman? I will never know. I just know, he would ask me, "You will never leave me Pam, will you?" I would always tell him, "NO." Only, because I believed some day, she would leave him. But, she didn't. I did not think for a second, he would ever leave her, because he had me and her. He had his cake and he ate it, too. Lucky him, but, not for me. He said he would never marry her, but he did. He always complained and bitched about her fat thighs, her lack of interest in sex. He loved my body. He loved my ass. He loved fucking me. I got a thrill from that, because I knew, how much he loved it. It made me feel powerful. He needed me. He did not want to lose me.

I was always there. She was always there. I never really accepted it, but I endured it. I had him, pretty much, when I wanted him. I did not want him all the time. I could never picture us together, on a daily basis. Our lives, were so different. I was physically active. He wasn't. Well, not like me.

I had him, but, I also, had others. I had my freedom, as much as you can have, being a single mother. I made sure, my lust, did not affect my son. I made sure of that.

Now. I have Mike. I love Mike. I have been with Mike for 4 years. I gave up all my men, for Mike. I figured, I had to settle down, sometime.